Saturday, February 2, 2008

Why I'm a Better Boy-Mom

Just like Amy, over at the Brat Pack, both times I was pregnant, the thought of having a girl filled me with anxiety. I don't think I would make a very good girl mom, mainly because I can't handle the prissiness and all that pink and the would-be cattiness that girls are prone to dish out. My own experiences growing up are the basis for this fear, especially when I think about my high school days.

Back then, (a few years ago, ahem and cough cough) before I was comfortable in this skin, I had a handful of girlfriends. At that time I thought they were the BEST friends EVER, in that all-caps way teenage girls think. I was devoted to their cattiness, even participating most times in order to stay accepted. Because you did not want to cross these girls. While their friendship was hard-earned and seemingly loyal, to be shunned by them carried the hot winds of hell on your head. Let's refer to them as the "Heathers".


I didn't always run with the Heathers and had other friends outside of their circle, but I was certainly the exception to their rule and it didn't turn out too well. Possesiveness ran rampant, and I was eventually ostracized - I OBVIOUSLY felt like I was superior since I didn't spend every waking minute with them being mean and making fun of people. Looking back I see I didn't like who I was when I hung out with them but couldn't verbalize it or even understand it. I just drifted farther away from the Heathers and made stronger friendships with other girls, most of which I still have today.

A few years after high school I found myself at a pretty low point. After a terrible boyfriend situation ended, I swallowed my pride and moved back home to start over. I had been there a week when I got the news that said boyfriend had gotten married. To a friend of mine. Like a month after we called it quits. This news was hard to digest, and I was hashing it out with another friend on the phone when my call waiting beeped in. It was one of the Heathers, the nicer one, and I had not heard from her in years.

I couldn't handle it. I couldn't mentally manage an awkward conversation at that moment. I was obviously distressed and didn't want to explain to her the long drawn-out story of it all, much less the anxiety I had just talking to her again. So I gave her a lame excuse, told her I would call her back, and promptly never did. I felt bad about it even when I did it; for all I know she was calling to make amends and renew a friendship.

The past few weeks I've had dreams of this particular Heather and it's made me wonder how she is, how she's different and the same, how I could have handled that situation SO much better had I not been so self-centered. How she was probably just as uncomfortable and eager to please as I was back then. I even mentioned the dreams to Caleb and how weird it was she was on my mind so much.

Today? I saw her and her family at the movies. I saw her and panicked and turned away before she spied me. Even after all the dreams, I blew a chance to potentially make right a wrong I had done. She had her kids with her and looked happy and completely harmless.

So... let's play "Choose-your-Own-Adventure" Hotwheel Hacienda style. Was it meant to be? Should I look her up and see what happens? Or am I borrowing trouble and would be better off letting sleeping dogs lie? What say you?

Because I still care what people think, and apparently haven't learned a thing.


Anonymous said...

Oooh, I'm with you on the "having girls" thing. I didn't want girls because I knew how difficult I was growing up, and one of me is quite enough, thankyouverymuch.

As for the nice Heather? I don't know that you should look her up, but I definitely wouldn't hide the next time you see her. So not helpful, I know.

AmySandy said...

I choose page 64. Oooh, there it says that you call her up, catch up a little, laugh a little, sit through a few awkward silences...and end the call feeling somewhat redeemed. No harm done.

The next choice in this "Choose Your Own Adventure" is whether you tell her about the dreams and admit that you avoided her at the movies.

Either way, you remember that you HAVE learned something in your years since high school, and it won't hurt to see what she's learned too. ...let us know what you choose!

Amy said...

Hmm, I don't know. I definitely hide from every girl I knew in high school, but I didn't really have that many girlfriends. I was the girl that was friends with their boyfriends, therefore they didn't like me too much!I think you should definitely say hi if you run into her again. What's a harmless, oh you're married, your kids are so cute conversation. And maybe she's changed too, we all grow up! Good luck!

pb&j in a bowl said...

That's a tough call. no pun intended. If it were me, I would call and hope no one answered- quick message and the ball is in her court. Your duty is done.

Sarah said...

First and foremost, I couldn't agree more on a better boy parent feeling. My husband SO wanted a girl, but all I know is boys. That, and then we don't pay for a wedding twenty five years from now.

On the Heathers thing.. well.. I feel especially skilled at answering this because I duck EVERYONE I know in public. Not because I don't want to talk to them, but because I immediately assume THEY don't want to talk to ME. Then I'll do what you should probably do.. follow it up with an email. Just something to say, "Hey, saw you and your family the other day and didn't want to interrupt, but I wanted to say hi and hope all is well with you."

That's so harmless and it's up to her to respond back, so you feel like you did SOMETHING.

Sassy said...

Thank you for hopping over to my blog yesterday!

You know, I would call her and ask her "if her refrigerator is running?, and if she says YES, you say, go catch it!" will make you laugh.

Ok, seriously, the past is history. Most people change after high school, since life happens to most of us and we realize that we aren't the prom queen anymore. Give fate a chance if it comes back at you again...You can always run in the other direction if she gets all "heather-y" on you. Just remember to wear fast shoes!

Mommy Bits said...

Add me, I am glad to have boys. Girls seem so complicated.

Blog Hopper,
Anastasia Beaverhousin

Aardvark said...

I have a girl and another on the way. We wanted each his/her own. I love all the girl stuff...dresses, dolls and hairbows (god is mocking me with that one).

As far as Heather is concerned...let fate take it's course. If you see her again..say hi...if you don't no biggie.

suchsimplepleasures said...

imho...let sleeping dogs lay. i know that, if it were me, i would be obsessing about it for ages, hash and rehash all the things i would say and her potential answers...which NEVER go the way you expect them to anyway! but...i would leave it alone. it's water under the bridge now.
take care!

Name: The Bryant Family said...

You should definitely call your friend!

I'm lucky - never had any of those girl issues and always had faithful girlfriends. Actually, my brother might have put me off wanting to have boys. I haven't closed the door to it, but for some reason the thought of a daughter leaves me more comfortable than a son. Interesting how our experiences shape us. Thinking about the "boy mom" thing though, a majority of my friends have boys. Odd statistic - out of the 11 friends I can think of with kids - there 20 boys and 4 girls!

Kimberly said...

That's tough. Those moments always haunt me too. I'm pretty sure I would have ducked her. I'm a ducker ;-)

Fairybookmother said...

just because Fate is persistent doesn't mean your instincts aren't working for you. Next time (because there will be one) have an action plan. That action is not to carry out "to approach or to flee" but to stop. and listen. listen to that groovy mommy-gut instinct that has gotten you so far & has surrounded you w/all your lovin' peeps!

My thrice removed instincts tell me that you're both grown-ups now and I can't wait to hear about if/how you reconnect. :)

Aunt T said...

Let it go for now, if you see her, it was fate.

I say, go for a girl in a couple of years. Boys hold a special place in a mom's heart but as they get older the relationship will change and more male bonding will take place. The girl will keep a bond the whole time minus maybe a teenage bump, you will cherish that female relationship when she (and you) are older!

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